Just realize, what I really want isn’t about going to some places, getting feed by people about everything. I miss getting lost, going somewhere new, the place that I know nothing but very basic information. Meeting local people, sharing and hearing their stories, stay till late night just to share the laughs with some other travelers, try to figure out how things work, and find my very own way to get the place I want.

The photo was taken by Rara, and the kids on the frame is Ben (not his actually name, but people call him that way) he was my guide when me and Rara traveled together (just to of us) to the island.

(Don’t have other locals’ documentation because accidentally formatted my hard drive 😭) – with Tesara

View on Path

All of Stars

It’s being hard everyday. Staying at home, doing nothing, watching other people taking up their own success and hearing dad’s hopes toward me like every single time. I knew he’s proud of me, but hearing those hopes just make me scared. What if I can’t make it. Too high, too risky, too unreachable. I don’t know. I just want to shake it off, this is exhausting. Thinking ’bout what people’s call FUTURE just tear me off so hard.
Honestly, I am tired for become the edge of my parent’s hopes. No, I didn’t think it was a bad things. I just… I can’t… I can’t bear it. To holding my own dream on my shoulder is enough to give me burdens, making those dreams come true is need more than hard work. Now, I have to hold someone else dream on me, someone else’s hope. I don’t know. I feel like dying, not my body but my soul does. Everyday I wake up with doubt ’bout my own dream. Can I get it? Should I just give it up before too late? I’m with my laziness just doing nothing. Watching the others be success because their hard work. But for now on, I can doing nothing.

Jembatan

Entah apa yang ada di otak gue kemaren itu, lagi tiduran, ngeliatin kamar yang udah lama nggak ditempatin (kamar gue dirumah, red). Kosong, nggak ada apa-apa, cuma kasur, lemari, meja sama ac dipojokan deket kamar mandi. Iseng, gue liat dinding kamar gue yang bercat biru (well, semua dikamar gue serba biru actually mulai dari sikat gigi sampai seprai selimut), masih bersih gaada tempelan apapun. Gue akhirnya mikir, ‘gue harus ngegambar sesuatu disini, sesuatu yang bisa selalu ngingetin gue akan mimpi gue sendiri’ dan viola~ gue turun ke bawah keruang tamu ngomong ke bokap kalo gue pengen ngegambarin dinding kamar gue. Luckily ayah ngijinin dan malah ngasih sekaleng cat minyak sama segepok kuas yg sebenernya ukurannya sama aja.
Hal pertama yang langsung muncul di otak gue adalah golden gate bridge. Gue ngesketch pake pencil langsung ditembok. Ini pertama kali gue gambar pake cat minyak, ditembok dan ukurannya gede.

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Sad But True

I got my bachelor of design last week like what posted last week. But I knew, I KNEW FOR REAL that my design, my illustration wasn’t that good, far from what-people-call the best. You can call it ‘weak of essential’. I got heartache when people kept saying that “Your campus has lack design” or “In other institute, your design couldn’t be accepted even just for an alternative” and the one that kept going on my mind strongly is “You guys have no skill, most of you. It was different between the-one-who-can-draw and  the-one-who-want-to-can-draw.” I felt like dagger just stabbed on my heart, right in the center of the sad sense.
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Untitle

Randomly found this post on my facebook’s timeline:

dfa

Then, automatically I start argue with myself: what will I told to younger me? And I found the answer is: nothing. I guess the younger me had great job for became me today. I’m not good enough, neither perfect. But I’m pretty happy and proud became who I am today. I’m not yet successful. I don’t have something I regret the most that I want to change. I made a lot of mistakes as young me, sometimes I thought to go back and change all over, but then I realized that everything had happened on the past that was made me today. I didn’t think that I’m already became ‘awesome’ like artist, entrepreneur or whatever they are out there. I just feel happy became Desy Setyowati, a daughter of my parents (Mugianto a.k.a Jumanto and Chotimah) and I’m happy became ‘designer will be’ which is I am a big dreamer.

So, if I MUST say something to younger me, I basically will say: Stay You!

What about you? If you could say to your youngerself in only two words, what will you say?